mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
