New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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