Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
