Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
