mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
