btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
