I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
