chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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