you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
