Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
