I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
