paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I need to align my fucking chakras
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
