The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
