I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
