Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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