are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
