Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
