I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
