it's not cheating when I paid for it
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Floor bacon is actually really good
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
