I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm too high and old for this...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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