You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
