i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
