wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Randomize
