I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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