I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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