i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
