I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
