I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
