i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
