i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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