Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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