I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Couch. On fire.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
