you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
