I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
