Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
