On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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