Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
