so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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