He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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