i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
