So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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