Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
