6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Panties = found
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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