I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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