no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
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