i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Houston, we have a squirter
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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