dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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