Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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