i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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