I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Randomize
