I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
