The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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